I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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