why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
