if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
