I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
