Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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