Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
