woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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