i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
