Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm like, not good at living.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
