You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
