my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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