Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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