Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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