Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
