this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
