I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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