I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
