Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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