it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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