Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I pour the whiskey from now on
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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