I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize