Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
