First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
