Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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