by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
