Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
