You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
