Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
