i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
