I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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