I skipped work to stalk him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
