I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize