dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
