I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
