We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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