She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
