i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
