Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
