I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
