gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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