Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
