Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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