I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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