chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
