the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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