It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
