I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize