my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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