remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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