Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
