Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
