I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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