New low: just hacked my moms facebook
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
