my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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