I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
