my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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