problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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