I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize