Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
