one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
