i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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