I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hell yes lets make some ravioli
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
