I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
