did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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